I Wasn’t Expecting That…

Things have taken yet another turn. I have been keeping my distance from Demetri since I accidently revealed that I had hoped that we might be exclusive. I’m still a bit horrified that I told him in the first place. I know Demetri isn’t at all the one type of girl kind of person. And while I’ve never had good experiences being a “one type of guy” kind of person, I think deep down I am no different that most girls and would like to have just the one person to be close to but, I digress. I don’t like forcing Demetri into anything, as I know it never works and I am not a fan of his rage, I made a promise to myself that I would be better about things with him. And I think I have been, I have been trying to curb my jealousy and hurt, but it seems…his feelings have changed. 

I only bothered to check on him yesterday because I head screaming in his chambers and I was concerned. And I walked into what I thought was a rather compromising situation and I tried to make a speedy exit, but I was shocked when Demetri shut the door before I could leave. He seemed angry at first and I was concerned, but lets just say he channeled his rage into another activity *winks* I was a little surprised he would want to considering his feelings, but then again this is Demetri… (I know a bit rude but its the truth). But what was shocking was what happened after…He said nothing. He’s never been so lacking in words and I was concerned that he thought that I was upset with him and yes I was a bit hurt, but as I said I promised I’d be better and I did my best to hide it.

I promised to try harder if that’s what it took, but he told me perhaps he should try harder. I guess something Felix said must have resonated with him, because he told me that he no longer wanted the human girls…and that he just wanted me. I can’t deny I was so happy to hear that but watching his face as he said it broke my heart. He seems so genuinely upset about the fact that he wants only me. And I have no desire to be a burden to him or to upset him, or be the cause of his pain. Not to mention…it is a terrible thing when someone is upset to want to be with you…I assume if they want you they should actually want you not feel forced into it. But I think…he doesn’t feel forced…I think maybe he just is confused in his feelings.

I know it’s a big change for us, but I am hoping it’s a good one. Less fighting, more happiness… I’ve always been more comfortable with my feelings than he, and I know what I want, and I don’t mind being vocal about it…I just hope that maybe one day Demetri will be as comfortable in sharing things with me and perhaps maybe…not feel so conflicted about the direction our relationship has taken. But for now…I’m just happy to be back on speaking terms with him…and maybe a little more *winks*  

Too Tired To Try Any Longer…

It seems that Demetri and I are just destined to be very up and down, and as much as I enjoy the highs, I’m beginning to think they are not worth the lows. He’s called me more names in the past 2 weeks than I care to count, and while I am far from perfect (which I have never claimed to be) it seems that Demetri will hold every mistake with I’ve ever made with a man against me. It doesn’t make much sense to me that he calls me a hypocrite. I have never hidden the fact that I have jealousy issues, but neither has he. I can’t be looked at by another man without him making some snide comment about it and if I entertain their advances, even if only to lure them them he calls me a whore. And while I admittedly made a mistake with Matteo I apologized for that and I thought we had made up for it on numerous occasions, obviously I was wrong. 

But as I sit her locked away in my hotel room here in France I can’t help but question if any of this is worth it anymore. I care very much for Demetri and he means a great deal to me, but I cannot constantly take his verbal abuse. It’s beginning to wear on me. Maybe its just best that I let go off an do as he wishes, and not bother to care about it. I know he wouldn’t allow me the same freedom, but I don’t crave that kind of attention the way he does and I know I can do without it. He certainly seems capable of handling things without me and he seems all the happier for it. I just know that no matter what it is I do he will make me the bad guy, and I can only take so much of that. I may not be perfect but I’m not always wrong, and I’m not always the one causing an issue. But it matters not, I’ll just leave him to his own devices. 

He’s made it perfectly clear what he thinks of me and no matter how hard I try to prove otherwise, he will always think of me as nothing more than a whore. And after trying so hard to prove otherwise (though my attempts not always perfect) I think perhaps I just quit trying to fight this losing battle. So to everyone that has been trying so desperately to break us apart- congratulations. I think you have very much succeeded—because I don’t have the will power to try anymore. 

Things Are Broken…Again

Demetri and I have always had our ups and downs, though as of late many many more downs. Prior to our leaving the castle things were so volatile between us it was almost intolerable. But once we left things changed, for the better. Perhaps it was both of us letting our guards down enough to give into what we really wanted, whatever it was, ever since that night in Russia things have been really wonderful between us. Yes we still fuss and fight, but we always made up…and to be honest the making up was amazing if you get my drift. So when we started to have problems again I didn’t understand what the cause was, only that it felt increasingly more uncomfortable and awkward to be around Demetri and I didn’t understand why. 

Well the cause was found yesterday. I happened to catch the tail end of Verity’s goodbye to Corin and she mentioned her ability to break bonds and that she had used it on some of the guard. I didn’t understand until I spoke with Demetri who filled me in on the whole story. She was asked to break us apart, but by whom we do not yet know. But she is the cause of the tension between us. I have to be honest I’m relieved to know that it wasn’t something I was doing. I know I have a bit of a temper and I can be mean, but I never mean to hurt my brother on purpose and the distance between us more often than not hurts me far more than it hurts him. I was hopeful last evening when I spoke with him that we would be able to mend our relationship in time and Demetri seemed to be on the same page but apparently I was very wrong.

It’s not a secret that I’m…shall we say a little possessive of Demetri…and he me. While I have no issue with that he does with his meals if it is someone that is…meant to be permanent in the castle that’s not exactly something I have any kind of tolerance for and considering the high volume of Master Aro’s secretaries I’ve killed we all know what happens to those girls. So I was astonished when I heard what was going on in his chambers this evening. And even more shocked when Gabriella stepped out of his chambers. Needless to say her death was swift and I am certain that he knows it was me that left her body in his chambers. 

In the past…killing the girls often alleviated all the anger I feel, and I must be honest I am often usually only angry at the girls. I don’t expect Demetri to act anything but like himself and he does…enjoy such pleasures. But today I felt something different. I was sad. I thought Demetri genuinely wanted to mend things between us, but his actions show me just how little I matter to him. And I know he will try to guilt trip me and bring up the many gifts he’s given me and that he saved me from Jack and I appreciate those things more than he could ever know…that’s what makes it hurt all the worse. I don’t understand why he would do such kind things and in the same breath do something like this.  I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked by this…after all I haven’t ever meant as much to him as he has to me. 

just me…

(via modellove)

Unwelcome Home

I never expected to be welcomed with open arms when Demetri and myself returned back to the castle. But I’m not certain I expected things to be this horrendous. Upon arrival we were greeted by Jane and I thought perhaps she might inflict pain on us both right then and there, but we were taken to the throne room. I had hoped maybe Master Aro would be somewhat understanding to our need for space away from the castle…well Demetri’s need for space away from the castle and my desire to accompany him. But I was wrong, so very wrong. He asked for our explanations and Demetri gave what I thought were satisfying answers and not particularly shocking he was insistent on protecting me.

But it was to no avail, Aro reached out his hand to me and he saw everything. If that wasn’t humiliating enough, he felt the need to parade the mark Demetri left on my shoulder to Master Caius. I don’t think I would’ve minded had he not ripped my dress in the process leaving me half exposed to all 3 masters and Jane. And to make matters worse, Demetri tried once more to pull me away and Jane attacked him with pain. I swear Demetri doesn’t seem to understand how much listening to his pain hurts me. It’s almost worse than having to manage my own punishment. But that’s my brother for you, determined to protect me for some reason. 

I have to say the evening was entirely unpleasant and I was thankful to get to return to my chambers. All I wanted was to dress again. Running through the castle half naked was not a high point in the slightest. But as soon as I opened my closet door I caught a glimpse of an array of balloons just before they exploded drenching everything in my closet in blood myself included. I was so shellshocked when Demetri lept on my I didn’t do anything. I had left our feeding too long, I had been sherking in my duties. He was crazed in a way that had not seen since the early days of his return from his kidnap. He actually licked me, and while on some occasions I wouldn’t have minded this so much, this was no such occasion and I was frightened.

I felt terrible running from him and he was quite apologetic about it, but still having my dress ripped being pinned all caused my thoughts to drift to Jack. And while it is petty and foolish I mourned for my ruined dresses, not because I happen to love them in general, but because so many were gifts from Demetri. They were each special to me in their own way, and now they are all ruined. Demetri was kind he had yet another gift for me, I swear he must have dresses stockpiled somewhere. Thankfully I don’t have to go naked through the castle, but I know that our punishment has just begun. We’re not even permitted to leave to hunt (I found this out the hard way) . So we’re left to suffer, but I suppose…I shouldn’t be surprised. For now we will have to wait for our punishment…and the waiting…waiting is the worst punishment of all. 

He Knows My Secret

Yesterday was a much more revealing day than I anticipated it to be. After weeks of not speaking with Demetri I ran into him yesterday and while initially our meeting was tense it revealed the real reason behind my jealousy…Yes i would rather have Demetri all to myself. I’m horrified now that he knows my secret. It was never something he was meant to find out. I thought after our last argument perhaps I should just push my feelings aside and let him do as he pleases, without comment and perhaps things will be better for us both. 

But of course things didn’t turn out that way and now Demetri knows how I feel about things and I’m more terrified than ever. I know Demetri isn’t exactly one to be tied down and as much as I would like us to be exclusive I know that will never happen. And while that isn’t exactly a shock that real problem is that he will more than likely treat me strangely now that he knows how I feel and that is what I was so hoping to avoid. It is an awful thing to have your feelings unreciprocated (thought I never expected them to be) but it’s harder still when you know that things will be so drastically different between you with one knowing how one feels. 

I just wish I had been able to keep my secret. I fear now with all the fighting and the awkwardness this will bring Demetri and I will be broken forever. I know I am more emotional of the two of us, and he has always mattered much more to me than I have to him and that’s okay…just for a moment I liked to think that I would be enough to keep him happy, though I don’t think that will ever come to be…its a nice thought. But as I have learned…some thoughts are better kept secret. 

Standstill

I would love to say things between Demetri and I are getting better, but in truth we are still very much in that awkward space, where we don’t know what we feel about each other. And though some things between us seem to be untouched by Verity’s gift I fear that the friendship we used to share my be forever damaged. I believe that Demetri must think very little of me, he doesn’t really seem that interested in mending anything between us at this point. Or at least that’s how it feels. When we spoke initially about Verity I meant what I said about mending things between us and I have acted as best I can do that. I would be happy to spend time with him, but when I am there with him, he seems not to want me there. So I don’t try to force him to spend time with me. And I do actually consider his feelings before I act.

I know he doesn’t give me that consideration in the slightest otherwise Gabriella would still be very much alive. And while he tried to suggested I would’ve acted in the same manner had it been and a man had been offered to me, the truth in fact is that I would not have. Not only to avoid another fight between us, but more so because I do not choose to play with me as I once did. Since my incident with Jack, the men that have been in my bed chamber have been few and far between and in all honestly all were guards. I do not hunt men as I once did and while a compliment in a bar is nice, it never goes past that anymore. So no Demetri I wouldn’t have acted in that way, but I expected no less from him, though I can’t at all understand why he is surprised I reacted in the way I did. There is nothing unusual about it.

So I have been keeping to myself as of late. I have of course seen him since then but our visits are few and far between, and perhaps we are better for it. When we are apart we do not fight and I suppose that’s all i could ask for because I do hate fighting with him. I guess I’m just destined to give up a friendship with him, to keep from hurting him. It’s a terrible position to be in, but I suppose it’s something I’ll have to get used to. 

Somethings Will Never Change

I have been…occupied as of late, so my writing has been a little scarce. Much has happened and much of it I don’t really wish to think about it, save for my chance encounters with Demetri…and it would be most unladylike of me to write about such things, only I will say I have been…very entertained as of late. Well up until recently. In my time locked away in the dungeon it seems we acquired a new guard, Verity. I am very hesitant to accept any new persons into the guard, especially after the Ioan debacle. But Demetri said she wasn’t anything for me to be threatened by. I have since met her and she was…interesting to say the least. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anyone so forward, but I was very flattered by her, I can’t deny that. 

But my brother is having the oddest reaction to my flattery. I’m not stranger to compliments and I enjoy them very much, so why he is so surprised I am flattered by Verity. Perhaps I do linger on her words a little more than I should, but they mean nothing compared to Demetri’s. I makes no sense at all for Demetri to be threatened by her. I do enjoy compliments from all kinds, but I am only taken by men…he should know that better than anyone. But it seems as if time has turned back and we are fighting about the most foolish things and avoiding each other once more. 

Though I don’t think it foolish of me to be upset about his bow. He was just so dismissive about it when he mentioned me borrowing it. I felt like it didn’t mean anything to him…all of the things he’s given to me mean a great deal to me, though he doesn’t seem notice that. I wouldn’t so flippantly loan them out…though if Demetri wanted to borrow one of my dresses I would be very concerned…but I digress. And though he said it was just because it was me asking…I just wish it sounded like it meant something to him…he never uses it. And I admit I don’t give him gifts that are not his meals often…but I do try. Perhaps I’m just not good at it and I should give up. 

Not that it matters, we are not speaking and I doubt he misses me nearly as much as I miss him. But then again I shouldn’t be surprised. It is Demetri we’re talking about- and he seems never to need me as much as I need him. 

Crime and Punishment

To say that the last weeks have been taxing would be a little bit of an understatement. Our return to Volterra has been anything but smooth to say the least, and while I think my siblings and I expected to be punished, the punishments have been far worse than any of us imagined. I know it’s silly to still be saddened about the loss of my dresses, but my dresses were very important to me, for reasons well beyond my own vanity. And then to be made to starve for so long, was so difficult. Especially for Demetri, considering his ordeal last year I would’ve thought that the Masters would’ve been a little more considerate of his feelings. After all it’s not as if he recovered quickly last year and it did affect his duties. But I digress, needless to say I worried for my brother quite a bit and with good reason because apparently starving him wasn’t good enough for Master Caius.

He felt that he needed to brand him with the Volturi crest so he’d remember who he belonged to, but of course it’s beneath Master Caius to do such things. He made me do it instead. I never handle Demetri’s suffering well even when I’m the cause of it, but to have to watch him suffer so much at my own doing was more than I could handle. Though Demetri did try to reassure me, that things would be okay, I knew he was lying. I could see the pain and the fear in his eyes, and it just shattered me all together. Needless to say Master Caius’ punishment was more than effective, but to be honest I think it’s done more harm than good. While Demetri tries to maintain the tough exterior I know deep down he is hurting…and while the masters may believe our emotions don’t affect our abilities to complete our duties I can say first hand…they do. 

I stayed away from Demetri thinking he would be upset with me, but yet again my brother surprised me. He didn’t blame me for anything at all, but I could see he was still struggling. I suppose in time we’ll all heal from our ordeal and perhaps things will be a little easier with certain distractions *winks* However I can honestly say I am not at all impressed with Master Caius and I would happily starve him if I could guarantee he wouldn’t harm Demetri, but as I can not I will happily day dream about his suffering as I’m sure he does ours. For now I am content to try and keep my head down and complete my duties and hope that in time things will return to normal. After all we’ve served our punishment— “We’ve served the time for our crimes”, perhaps they will let us be for now. 

it is rare that I do this…but my brother is very attractive *winks* 

charliebewley: